Why I don't ask more people out

[dougo]

A little while ago dictator555 wrote about dating (in a friends-locked post, but she gave me permission to quote):

[G]irls, at least most of the ones I know, like men to do the asking. Hey, did I say this was fair? No. But that's the way it is. I mean, dudes, we want equal rights but we still want you to make the first move. And that sucks for everyone, because obviously we only want the guys we like to hit on us. As you know, I hate to reject people. And men, I can see how you'd want to avoid rejection, because that sucks, too.

Rejection does kind of suck, but it's not the main reason I almost never ask people out. (I'm not going to speak for all men, because I think I'm in the minority here. But perhaps not as small a minority as one would think.) For me, it's more about not wanting to hit on someone who doesn't want to be hit on; I get really uncomfortable with the idea of making someone uncomfortable like that. It's worse when it's someone you're friends with, because it might really distort the friendship, or ruin it altogether. Even unsuccessfully hitting on a friend-of-a-friend, or anyone in your occasional social circle, could lead to a lot of awkwardness down the road. This is compounded by something else she wrote:

Say that since I've graduated from college I've met about 200 available men between the ages of 22-40. Of these, I've been attracted to exactly 4. That's not to say I haven't found others attractive in an objective sense, but I haven't subjectively been attracted to them. That's a 2% track record [...]

Those odds are pretty overwhelming: that's a 98% chance of rejection. I hate to think of those 196 times that someone has to politely decline, and I really don't want to be part of that burden. It seems safer to wait for someone to ask me out, or at least send unambiguous signals that it would be okay to be asked out.

Another difficulty is the differences in the mechanics of attraction. For her,

The bottleneck is in physical attraction. Chemistry. The rest isn't that hard. I mean, I like plenty of men enough that I would totally want to get with them if it were just the intellectual/emotional connection thing. No, the bottleneck is definitely physical attraction. I understand this is a problem for lots of women, so my frustration is tempered by solidarity.

For me, it's almost the opposite: there are plenty of women I'm physically attracted to, but the intellectual/emotional connection thing is vanishingly rare (basically zero so far, depending on your definition). There's an asymmetry here, though. I'm happy to have a casual physical relationship without having emotional chemistry, but if someone has an emotional connection without being physically attracted, there won't be any relationship at all.

Another asymmetry, of course, is that if a woman is physically attracted, it's pretty likely to coincide with an emotional attraction. So in those cases where there is a mutual physical attraction, she's likely to have stronger feelings for me than I do for her. In fact this has been the case in most of my relationships, and it's frustrating for both parties. So I would prefer to wait to ask someone out until I'm sure not only that she is physically attracted to me, but that she is not going to be emotionally attracted to me, or at least not more than I am to her. But I haven't figured out yet how to determine this. (Actually, this sort of leads into my thoughts about polyamory, but that's another whole essay.)

Comments

[anyeone.livejournal.com]

Disclaimer: I don't think my views are similar to that of the average female, so take anything I say as a stray datapoint.

When I was single I had a policy that if any guy had the nerve to ask me out, I would go out on at least one date with him. That said, only a couple times did I ever have to follow this policy because most of my "dating" came organically from friendships, in the manner of "one moment we're friends, the next we're making out on the sofa".

When I was younger I was shyer about showing my attraction to someone than I was as I got older. Why I thought being cagey was smart I don't know, I think it was mainly insecurity and a regression to the junior high "don't let him know you like him" kind of thinking. It was rather silly though and led to a lot of confusion on both sides.

The single moment that sold me on my husband was on our second meeting when he said "and I am interested in you, by the way." Took all the guessing out of the equation and it was such a relief.

Now, since I'm married obviously the dynamics between me and other men is very different than it would be were I single. However, I was not lobotomized upon marriage and I do still have attractions to other men, and some other men are still attracted to me. I think they don't hide it as much now as they might have when I was single because they know I'm "safe" and will likely just be flattered, and won't actually demand things like Attention and Relationship out of them. In all but one case the men in question were very respectful of my married state in the way they let me know they were attracted, i.e. they didn't actually expect to get anywhere with me.

Now about the chemistry thing. I've come to the conclusion that chemistry requires reciprocation. Without it, it is wishful thinking. You probably know what I'm talking about. I can look at Man X who never noticed I exist and think he is very physically attractive, but there isn't a quasi-magnetic force drawing us together that people around us notice. However, if Man Y finds me attractive and it is mutual, the interactions between us of their own accord have a sort of spark, purely in a platonic sense, but one that shows how much we appreciate each other's company and are "attracted" to each other. It's very hard to explain without going into vivid and unnecessary details but I have one male friend in particular who people frequently assume is my husband because of the "tangible" chemistry between us when we are together. In reality, we are good friends but have never had any sort of physical relationship.

What this has to do with you? I just think if you are interacting with more mature women (i.e. late twenties and older) they are more likely to not hide whether they have an attraction for you and if you suspect it is there, it probably is. So you would probably be safe in asking one of these women out if you were so inclined. You would be in less secure territory asking someone out who hadn't given any indication that they particularly enjoyed your company.

However, I do still favor the organic approach to relationships. If there is someone you enjoy spending time with, spend time with them. If you're meant to get physical, it will happen, and at that time you can evaluate whether each of your intentions is purely physical or whether there is more to be explored.

As far as polyamory goes, I've never tried it but I can see it would have both advantages and disadvantages, and if I thought for one second that my husband would be open to it it might be an interesting discussion ;)

Sorry for the rambling. I love talking about this type of thing though.