unsent Oracle question

[dougo]

Dear Internet Oracle^TM,

I have a friend that I see infrequently but I always enjoy hanging out with. But afterwards, I always get really depressed. This seems unhealthy. Would I be better off if I just stopped seeing this friend altogether?

Bipolar in Boston

Comments

[signsoflife.livejournal.com]

why do they make you depressed? do you want more out of the relationship than you can have, or do you just miss them when they're not around, or do you not really like the person you enjoy being when they're around, or what?

[dougo.livejournal.com]

Does it matter? I was sort of wondering if there was an obvious yes or no answer regardless of the details. E.g. (a) duh, depression is bad, avoid it, or, (b) duh, friendship is more important than temporary moods, get over it.

Anyway, it's a bit of each of those things you listed, and 10 other things besides, many of which aren't even really related to this particular friendship but are set off by that chain of thinking. Like, I have several other friends who probably feel (or have felt) similarly about me, and there's nothing I can do about those situations either. Or just a general confusion and frustration about what I want out of friendships and why so many of them are dysfunctional. Which then leads to the usual misanthropy and existential angst. And I can't afford the time or energy to dwell on all these right now, which just adds another layer of frustration on top of it all.

[mshonle.livejournal.com]

Yes, this woman has some sort of power of you that you cannot really control. Put your own emotional levers back into your hands by not seeing her anymore. You need not be all that dramatic about it... just start to get bad about being in touch.

(Or, if my main assumption is wrong: probably this guy is a bad influence. For a friend I want someone I (1) like; (2) respect; and (3) have a good time with. Sounds like you are missing one of those.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle

[lordjulius.livejournal.com]

If you are depressed afterwards because this friend is someone you are attracted to, then you will spend years obsessing over them (note use of gender-neutral pronoun that isn't "hir" or "hem"), stalking them online, and complaining to your friends that they don't notice you. You should try to get into their pants immediately to prevent this situation. If you fail, see below.

If you are depressed afterwards for any other reason, then you should put on loud, depressing music and feed your creative side. Make misery your bitch, get rich, and buy better friends.

The Oracle has spoken.

[dougo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. What do I owe?

[lordjulius.livejournal.com]

You owe the Oracle the whereabouts of Woodlock.

[dougo.livejournal.com]

He was in Seattle in 2000. Haven't seen him since.

[jphekman.livejournal.com]

My input: it does seem that if you want less than this person can give, you maybe should stop seeing them, though I'm sure they'd miss you.

Or there's the loud depressing music option.

[dougo.livejournal.com]

(Weird, I didn't get email from this comment. Yet another reason to hate LiveJournal.)

I'm a little confused, but I'm guessing you meant "more", not "less". But, yeah... it's complicated. See my reply to signsoflife above. It's not really about wanting and giving, at least not in the obvious way. It's more about not being able to communicate, and the various ambiguities and unsureties and ironically crossed signals that that leads to.

[jphekman.livejournal.com]

I meant "more," not "less." You're clever :)

Have you tried communicating? I mean, talking to the person about the mis/failed/lacking communication? I am always a big fan of talking more. It's probably because I'm a girl.

[dougo.livejournal.com]

If it were only that easy...

[http://users.livejournal.com/little_e_/]

to me it depends on what you draw on more in the in between period--the feeling of happiness you remember from being together, or do you just feel a lingering sadness?

I was in a similar sounding situation in HS (ok, i am still in situations where there are people who leave me depressed after i see them, but that's a different matter) and to me being around the person was always much more important to me. That friendship was one of the few things which sustained me back then. After we parted i always felt so sad and empty, a couple of times i think my parents must have thougt i was stoned... but once i got past that bump, my friendship was a source of joy in my life.

so to me the important question isn't whether it's worthwhile to have pain in your life if it's the cost of happiness, but whether in the end you're more happy or more sad overall...

[(Anonymous)]

No.