The War on Washington's Birthday

If I were a better satirist, I'd write up some long story about scolding a Wal-mart greeter for saying "Happy Presidents' Day" and accuse them of implying that George Washington is no more worthy of tribute than Warren Harding and Andrew Johnson. Or maybe, you know, something that's actually funny. But it is in fact Washington's Birthday today, according to the Federal government. Most states call it Presidents' Day (or President's Day, or Presidents Day), though I can't find a list anywhere of which states call it which. I can't even figure out what Massachusetts calls it: the Department of Education says Presidents' Day, but the Secretary of the Commonwealth says George Washington's Birthday.

P.S. Lincoln? ...gay.